I can't believe summer is almost over, and I've barely done anything, let alone attending a 4-H thing. I'm just not very happy right now. Misfortune seems to lurk in every corner for me. I wasn't able to go camp, or on vacation, and money problems just keep getting worse in my family. And money problems aren't anything new, believe me. We were okay for a couple of years, but then it started going downhill again.
Sometimes...sometimes I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I should be doing something to help instead of just sitting around. Some job. I want to help people. I want to help my own family out. But I'm only fifteen, I don't qualify for a paying job.
That's why I retreat to my imagination so much. In my imagination, I can have fun. In my imagination, I've created characters that I wish I could be myself. I've created worlds in my head, full of all sorts of crazy things. In my imagination, I can just relax and forget all about the troubles that real life has.
I remember when I was really little, I drew a picture of what I envisioned myself to be as a teenager. I had long pretty hair, I was skinny, wearing a cool outfit and makeup and earrings, and...wow. If my kid self could meet me now, I wonder what kind of questions she would ask me. She would be able to plainly see that I don't have long pretty hair, it's uncontrollable. I can't do anything with it. It gets a lot of tangles. She would be able to see I'm not that skinny. She would be able to see I'm wearing thrift store and hand me down clothing. She would see I'm not wearing makeup. She would see I'm wearing glasses now too. She would probably be very disappointed just looking at me. And that's the thing. My kid self, and the teen I am now, are two different people. It was so easy to dream and believe when I was younger. I always thought that no matter what happened, things would turn out right in the end. I always had such an upbeat attitude when I was a kid. Now...its hard to keep smiling, especially when you see how wrong the world is turning now. You're oblivious to that kind of stuff when you are younger...when you get older, you wake up to a harsh reality. You experience more problems when you are a teenager. You have all kinds of thoughts running through your head, like what if I die, what if someone in my family dies, what if people won't accept me, etc. I get those thoughts all the time, believe me.
Next topic up, I...well...sometimes...feel like killing myself. Sometimes I just wonder what I have left to live for. My family argues about stupid things sometimes, specifically its my sisters getting into cat fights. It drives me crazy. And sometimes when I mess up on a chore, or eat food I wasn't allowed to, I get fussed at like I just committed a horrible crime. Sometimes I just feel so worthless. And then I remember my talents, I remember the good things God has given me. Sure my family fights, but we forgive each other later. And when I mess up, I learn from my mistakes. I'm young. I can sing, I can act, I can write. I have potential. I shouldn't feel so down continually.
Things will get better eventually. Someday my family won't have to be worrying about money, someday we'll be able to get along awesomely, someday I'll go to college, and someday I'll meet my Prince Charming. I just have to trust in the LORD that we'll make it. Maybe I'm just being too dramatic about this.
I apologize if you didn't come here to listen to me vent out my feelings. But I feel a lot better once I get these things out in the open.